I was chatting with a friend the other day and the topic of moving to Los Angeles came up.

As in, “why do people move to L.A.?”

In the end, I think we both agreed that the main reason is because that’s where the work is.

If you’re an artist –or aspiring artist- such as an actor, musician, writer, director, editor, etc., at some point in your life you’re going to think about the move out West, especially if you come from a small town or city.

L.A. is where most of the work is, and with great weather, beaches, mountains, etc., it only makes sense to at least think about the move at some point.

And of course, if your main motivation or drive is to simply “become rich and famous”, well, of course you’re going to move to L.A. ‘cause that seems to be the thing to do for those with that mindset.

Don’t be fooled, there’s a difference. Those with a passion for their craft will strive to become true ‘Artists’ in their field, whereas the other will do anything to simply try to become “famous” and would be more than content with landing on some sort of weird reality show.

There’s also a distinct few that are ‘taken’ to L.A. via their good work. For example, lots of good stand up comics are hired as writers for shows and eventually have to make the move to where the show is being produced.

Plenty of other great artists in their respective fields have had the good fortune to be plucked out of their current city to work in L.A. without having to go through the process of getting there by making the stressful and emotional move out West.

Those are the lucky few.

During my chat with my friend he asked me why I had made the move.

There are a few reasons, but one of them was not to become “rich and famous”.

“What If?”

I never wanted to be left with the wonder of “what if”.

I was VERY happy back home doing what I love doing and doing it with and around people that shared that same passion.

But I think at some point we’ve all wondered what a move out West would be like, so once the situation became ideal, it was time to pull either the trigger or always wonder, because I knew that if I waited another year I wouldn’t want to make the move.

I believed that it was –is- important to at least try a little harder to try to achieve a personal goal, or dream if you wish, which for me is simply to entertain people on a greater scale.

I want to be married some day, and I think I’d make a better husband and –hopefully- father if I tried at some point to push myself a little harder to achieve my goals and lead by example.

Those are the reasons I’m semi proud of. But there were other reasons that I felt were more of a ‘push’ or…necessity.

Most people that do this thing that I do share a common dream: To be plucked out of Chicago by doing what we love doing most and enjoying doing it.

For that to happen the right doors need to be opened via hard work and good fortune.

Unfortunately, some of those doors are guarded by people that think only they have the power to allow you to pass through those doors, so they change the locks every time you find the right key to one of these doors.

I hate to admit it, but I allowed those people to get the best of me by buying into the notion that only they had the means to help me achieve my goals. And sadly, because of how I was treated by them, I eventually began to feel like maybe I really didn’t have what it took to achieve my goals. As a result, my confidence was shaken.

So one of the reasons for the move was to try to regain the confidence I felt I lost and to see if indeed maybe those people were right.

I mean, if I place myself somewhere where the opportunities to be seen and land work are higher than anywhere else, then I’ll find out real soon where I rank amongst the many, many others out there maybe looking for the same thing. Right…?

So yeah, those were pretty much the primary reasons for making the move out west.

*

My friend and I then talked about our experiences in L.A. and how we felt about being here.

I’ve made no secret of my feelings on that topic here and when asked.

It’s a normal common question one gets when people know you’re new or fairly in town: “So, how do you like it…?”

For me it’s conflicting feelings.

I was very fortunate almost from the get-go and was able to land good representation fairly quick. I have had GREAT experiences with my agents and am still surprised at how many opportunities they give me on a regular basis and even more important, how they treat me, stay in contact with me, and truly show they care and believe in me.

So most of the time, my days are filled with opportunities that I couldn’t possible imagine I’d ever have.

But the rest of the time, I’ve found myself experiencing a loneliness and isolation that seems to get worse by the day despite the good things that happen professionally from time to time.

I have some very cool friends here that I get to hang out with a couple of times a week, but because I’m not one that seeks out companionship for fear of bugging people, I find myself alone a lot. ( I know, I’m dumb)

Back home there was no chance of that because I always knew where I could find a friendly face and I always knew I had something special in my life that allowed me to feel safe.

I don’t have that here (yet…?), so little by little, the loneliness, isolation, and sadness got progressively worse.

What sucks is that this wasn’t part of the plan. There was a part of the plan that was in place to ensure this would never happen.

But… I guess the plan changed somewhere along the way. And because of that, things got worse and the lonely nights and days began to take their toll in ways I couldn’t comprehend and that were new –and scary- to me.

Ha! I guess some may interpret that as I’m simply being a little bitch and I need to buck up and realize that I have a lot going for me and that I’ve had the good fortune of experiencing some pretty cool things fairly quick that it takes others years to do.

And you know what? They’d be right.

I’m not the first person fresh to L.A. to experience those kind of feelings and I won’t be the last.

So the obvious choice is to suck it up and stay on the path that I have been granted permission to follow and follow the dream. Eventually things will get better. They always do.

The ‘dream’? What is the dream? Well, I’ve said many times before: To be able to make a living entertaining people.

But there is an important part of that dream that I know I share with most people with similar artistic backgrounds: To be plucked out of Chicago to pursue the dream.

Now that I’m here, I envy and respect those back home that still are true to that dream and continue to practice this thing we love doing and hope that they do it well enough to continue to grow as artists, which will eventually increase their chances of achieving the original dream.

And I hope it happens for them the way it has happened for many our friends, because they more than deserve it.

Of course, talking about this opened up the door to express how much I miss home and everything that came with it.

Because my feelings on that topic are strong, eventually my friend asked if I would ever consider going back.

If things seemed to be going well, then why go back? And IF I went back, would I be worried of being labeled a ‘failure’ or a ‘quitter’…?

Fair questions.

My “last” show in Chicago I told everyone in attendance that I would never feel shame if things didn’t go well and I ended coming back. I said I’d gladly go back because that theater means the world to me and it’s a very special place. The whole community is very special.

Would I feel like Failure?

Nope. For me, the failure would have been in not trying.

By making the move itself I did something most people can’t or wont do, and I did it alone, which now I know for a fact is one of the hardest things one can ever do.

I had what I admit was an unrealistic goal upon landing in L.A., and to my own surprise I achieved it.

Along with that, in less than a year I obtained the type of representation that it takes some people years to obtain, booked a small role in a feature film, booked 3 commercials (one of them being a national spot), booked a popular national PSA campaign for the Disney channel and Cartoon Network, landed some gigs on a late night talk show, booked a few radio gigs, have played on the 3 of the major improvisational theater stages in the city, put up 3 shows, put up a showcase, had the chance to go home to audition for SNL, have gone on more auditions than I’ve ever gone on before, have had private meetings with major networks, and I participated in an audition process (“pilot season”) that every actor that moves to L.A. craves to be a part of -and, got great feedback and encouragement from that process.

So would I feel like a ‘failure’ if I decided to pack my bags and go home?

No. No, I wouldn’t.

What about being labeled a ‘quitter’?

I don’t think so. I mean if anyone wanted to label me a ‘quitter’ for my reasons for wanting to go back home, they have no idea what I’ve endured and how it has affected me.

A bit of a wuss, maybe. But a quitter? Nope.

Because IF I decided to go home it wouldn’t mean I’d be quitting or giving up on the ‘dream’. I’d still pursue it, I’d just be doing it from a place that feels comfortable, that’s home, and that makes me happy.

And that would be the key to making such a change in my life: To be happy.

Because like I’ve said before, good things seem to be happening, but I’m not happy.
Maybe more time will change that.

Maybe the new and old friends I have here could make it easier.

Maybe I’ll get thru this funk sooner than I think.

Maybe.

Then why go back? Why leave if things appear to be going well?

IF I decided to go home, there would be a couple of personal reasons involved, but a major one would be because I miss doing what I love doing and doing it with and around people that love doing that as much as I do.

A lot of people have an interested in the art of Improvisation and like doing it. But I’m proud to say that this art form truly is important to me. I love doing it, I love being around it, I love teaching it, I love promoting it, I love watching the development in those new to it, I love watching those same people ‘grow’ while practicing it, and I love doing it from the place that considers me part of the family: iO Chicago. It’s a damn great feeling.

So yeah, one of the reasons for contemplating a move back would be to go back to doing what I love doing at the place I love, while at the same time having a proper chance to one day achieve the ‘dream’. Basically, I just want to feel Happy again.

Would this be reason enough to contemplate a move back? Maybe.

Of course, the topic of even better opportunities came up, like how, of course, if I were fortunate enough to land something big, I’d be happy to have been blessed with such an opportunity. But believe me when I say a part of me would still be torn about my feelings regarding LA. in general. Weird, huh?

It was a good conversation where I/we explored a little deeper the things I/we always talked about with an effort to explore my feelings on the subject a little more.

*

One of the reasons I moved to LA was to experience it and ensure that I never had to ever wonder “what if”.

I no longer have to wonder.

One of the reasons I moved to LA was because I inadvertently allowed some people to get the best of me. This made me question my artistic abilities and commitment, which affected my confidence.

Thanks to the wonderful representation I now have, and their constant encouragement and commitment to their job and Me, I now feel vindicated, rejuvenated, and confident once again.

One of the reasons I moved to LA was to see if I had what it takes to get work here.

I now know that I can, and that I can continue to do so if I just stay positive and try to keep my head up.

One of the reasons I miss Chicago is because I was very happy there. I was comfortable with my chances of one day reaching my goals and ‘dreams’ from the comfort of home.

But once my confidence was shaken, I needed to do something to get it back. And with the move West, I did.

So…Now what?

…

A dear friend of mine once replied to one of my social networking comments regarding my overall unhappiness with my new “home” with this:

“You’re where you live and work, you’re not Home.”

It made me smile the day I read it and makes me smile now.

I began writing this blog entry earlier this week in my studio apartment in the Hollywood hills.. Revisiting it… editing it… adding to it.

I now end this blog entry on a chair, in an airport terminal, with my dogs in their traveling kennel at my side.

What am I doing here?

I’m going Home.

*

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“…Remember that life is so very fragile.

We are all vulnerable. And we will all at some point in our lives…fall.

We will all fall.

We must carry this in our hearts: That what we have is special.

That it can be taken from us. And that when it is taken from us, we will be tested.

We will be tested to our very souls.

It is these times, it is this pain, that allows us to look inside ourselves.”

This is an excerpt of the opening montage clip to the final “Friday Night Lights” episode.

Like a lot of things I came to love in life, I stumbled upon this show late into its fruition, and fell for the show for the message it had to receive more than the premise of the show.

The first season kicked my ass. The second was weird and almost lost me, then the third season got me back, but I don’t think it was ever as strong as the first season.

Despite that, the final season did a nice job of trying to get back to it’s roots and what made it so special, and the final episode was one of the best final episodes I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching.

I became a fan of the show once I moved to L.A. and I think the show helped me see how much I value my friendships, my family, my passion, my love, and my home, Chicago.

My move to L.A. showed me how vulnerable I didn’t know I was or how vulnerable what I thought I had was as well.

There are times in your life when you feel completely safe, and it is then that we tend to drop our guard and become vulnerable to the sneak attacks life launches at us.

When this happens it’s easy to fall and sometimes think about not getting up to fight back. But despite how hard that fall can be, we MUST get up and fight. Because more often than not, it is those times that we learn more about ourselves and what makes us who we are. What makes us special.

We can’t dwell on what life has dealt us. Life is going to throw at us what it’s going to throw at us, so we may as well make a good effort of enjoying the moment. Or as my good friend Steve says, “Take the good with the bad, and live in between”.

I already thought I knew about trouble, hardship and struggles, but this journey has thought me that I hadn’t seen anything yet.  But it’s also thought me to recognize the good things I had, have, and can still have. It’s thought me to recognize just how truly special things in my life were and are, and how special and key those things are/were to my happiness.

Cruelly, this journey has also thought me how easily those things can be taken away if you don’t pay proper attention. It’s like Life sends a tiny smurf-like thingie in disguise to walk by you while whistling a Bieber tune and when you’re not looking –SWISH, your backpack is gone and the weird smurf-like thingie is laughing at you from across the street and giving you the finger while doing a Bieber dance.

Those moments when I’ve felt swindled by Life’s tiny henchmen is when I’ve felt tested the most. When I’ve felt more alone than ever and the only comfort is the tail wagging of my kidz that somehow seem to recognize when daddy is feeling blue.

I have lots of great friends who have offered their ears to listen or shoulders to lean on. But as those same friends will tell you, I’m not very good at reaching out because I feel like I’m being a nuisance or inconvenience. So more often than not I try to make sense of things on my own. This isn’t always recommended, but it’s often in these times, the times when we take a good look inside ourselves, that we discover some mighty positive and pretty things about ourselves.

For the record, I highly recommend reaching out to friends when you’re feeling blue and lost, because nothing can cheer you up like a good friend. Especially one that’s gone through what you’re going through because the listening and understanding is much more acute and comforting.

We’re all at some point going to reach points of confusion, anger, disillusionment, disappointment, and loss with the things we treasure and value the most.

When that happens, don’t allow yourself to sink into despair. Reach out to those that care about you, and reach inside yourself to find your true self and bring that beautiful person back to the surface where it belongs.

And when you do, do something fun like challenge a homeless person to a snowball fight, get into a staring contest with a squirrel, call a friend to say Hi then hang up, or start saying hello to those people on the bus you see almost every day, yet never say a word to.

After all, as my good friend, Steve, says, “Life should be 2/3^rds self amusement”.

So yeah, remember that life is very fragile.

That we are all vulnerable. And we will all at some point in our lives…fall.

But carry this in your hearts: That what we have is special.

That it can be taken from us. And that when it is taken from us, we will be tested.

We will be tested to our very souls.

It is these times, it is this pain, that allows us to look inside ourselves.

And when we do, we will find something very neat and special.

Clear eyes, full hearts.

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